Yeah, i know i havent blogged lately and honestly its because i'm too lazy. i dont even feel like typing appropriately so most things wont be punctuated correctly or capitalzed. maybe even spelled right... its my blog i will do whatever the hell i want with it so there.
So anyway, ive been completely miserable... I truely hate this college experience. Why cant i enjoy it like everyone else? i really dont wanna be here. but i have to. clearly it doesnt like me back either... because im on academic probation and if i mess up this semester i get the boot. no, i dont wanna be here but i dont wanna get kicked out either. especially since im in phoenix independent winterguard. its the only thing that makes me happy. sad isnt it? yup. i honestly feel like giving up on the world and living alone. its like im not worth anyones time here. i have no real friends up here and everything just isnt clicking. *sigh*
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The things we do for love...
Okay so everyone close to me knows that i'm single, and now you do to.
I'm not quite sure where i'm trying to go with particular post, but here is all the things i've been currently thinking about...
So because I'm single, I simply can't help thinking about being in a relationship. This may sound like the most desperate thing but I really want a boyfriend! I mean why is it that this one little thing that I so "desperately" want, is literally being shoved in my face to mock me? Everywhere I turn there's a couple! Cuddled up, kissing, holding hands. Post after post on facebook about "Oh how I love my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the best!" Why can't I have that? It's a beautiful thing and it's what i've craved for so long.
I somehow don't want to count my exes as relationships at all and heres why.
I'm not counting my 6th grade love "pentagon" as one even if it lasted 3 months. We were kids.
My freshman year in high school "relationship" lasted about 5 months. But the reason I'm not willing to call it an actual relationship is because we simply just had the title of boyfriend & girlfriend. The sitting at lunch together, hugging, standing everywhere side by side with your arms around the others waist, quick pecks before parting ways to class, talking on the phone every night, and those cheesy love notes we used to pass. We only hung out togther once and it wasn't even alone. And you got to love the jealous friend who lies to break us up...HA it worked!
Later on, my junior year, my next "relationship" only lasted 1 month and a half. *Sigh* I was hoping that this one would have lasted longer but what can i say? "He just wasn't that IN to me." But how can you be when you're strictly on a textual level. (If you don't understand what textual means, it's simply texting.) We only hung out once (I really don't get what's with the "hang out once" deal) and the rest was all by cell phone. Not to mention he was about 5 minutes up the street from me. And I had asked many times if he wanted to do something as simple as go for a walk and we couldn't even do that! But the way it ended hurt the most...
Now I've tried online dating and that is somewhat a joke. Lies on top of lies on top of more LIES! It's mostly made up of fans of cybersex:P I have found some pretty good guys and some absolutely horrible ones. But as far as it goes for the good ones, how can you actually tell if it's good? People lie so much that they actually start to believe it themselves. Age, occupation, experiences... etc. From the ones that want phone sex & nudes to the caring, considerate ones who are actually looking for love! I been through alot in this department. And have come to the conclusion that it 's not for me. I'm not able to withstand another textual/skype fling. I want to see and feel my partner! Is that too much to ask?
I honestly don't know what to say anymore so therefore I'm done...
Love,
-Vampcake
I'm not quite sure where i'm trying to go with particular post, but here is all the things i've been currently thinking about...
So because I'm single, I simply can't help thinking about being in a relationship. This may sound like the most desperate thing but I really want a boyfriend! I mean why is it that this one little thing that I so "desperately" want, is literally being shoved in my face to mock me? Everywhere I turn there's a couple! Cuddled up, kissing, holding hands. Post after post on facebook about "Oh how I love my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the best!" Why can't I have that? It's a beautiful thing and it's what i've craved for so long.
I somehow don't want to count my exes as relationships at all and heres why.
I'm not counting my 6th grade love "pentagon" as one even if it lasted 3 months. We were kids.
My freshman year in high school "relationship" lasted about 5 months. But the reason I'm not willing to call it an actual relationship is because we simply just had the title of boyfriend & girlfriend. The sitting at lunch together, hugging, standing everywhere side by side with your arms around the others waist, quick pecks before parting ways to class, talking on the phone every night, and those cheesy love notes we used to pass. We only hung out togther once and it wasn't even alone. And you got to love the jealous friend who lies to break us up...HA it worked!
Later on, my junior year, my next "relationship" only lasted 1 month and a half. *Sigh* I was hoping that this one would have lasted longer but what can i say? "He just wasn't that IN to me." But how can you be when you're strictly on a textual level. (If you don't understand what textual means, it's simply texting.) We only hung out once (I really don't get what's with the "hang out once" deal) and the rest was all by cell phone. Not to mention he was about 5 minutes up the street from me. And I had asked many times if he wanted to do something as simple as go for a walk and we couldn't even do that! But the way it ended hurt the most...
Now I've tried online dating and that is somewhat a joke. Lies on top of lies on top of more LIES! It's mostly made up of fans of cybersex:P I have found some pretty good guys and some absolutely horrible ones. But as far as it goes for the good ones, how can you actually tell if it's good? People lie so much that they actually start to believe it themselves. Age, occupation, experiences... etc. From the ones that want phone sex & nudes to the caring, considerate ones who are actually looking for love! I been through alot in this department. And have come to the conclusion that it 's not for me. I'm not able to withstand another textual/skype fling. I want to see and feel my partner! Is that too much to ask?
I honestly don't know what to say anymore so therefore I'm done...
Love,
-Vampcake
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Angry Blog! -Carolyn
Sorry this blog is so sudden but something just came up! Must... Blog... about it!
It has come to my attention that a certain someone and I are NOT friends anymore! For the sake of this person, which is very generous on me, I will not be using their real name but indeed a fake one. So here goes...
I met "Carolyn" in high school. She was always quiet and such but I talked to her because we had class together. Pretty cool person. Yeah I'm not going into all the detail since that is irrelevant. Anyway... we end up going to college together and even better living in the same residence hall only 3 doors away from each other. Talk about a relief. To know that I was coming all this way for school and I wouldn't be entirely alone. Since we've already known each other, we take it amongst ourselves to hang out and stick together. Fine by me.
Everything was okay for the most part except that she was completely shy. Any event that involved dancing, she would just stand on the sidelines and since I don't dance alone I stood right along with her being miserable. But later on I started to slowly branch out, or at least attempt to... Yes she's the one from the previous blog post who didn't like sororities and as I said before, I went alone.
I understood that she wasn't comfortable with some things but c'mon at least TRY! College is the place to find yourself. Try new things. To learn and grow from different experiences! So her flat out refusals kind of pissed me off. She later tried to sell me that "Maybe next time" bull crap of an excuse knowing dang well she was lying. So when I would bring up something to do I would follow it up with a "Why should I ask when you never do anything?" which would make her respond with an "Ooooh wow," like she was offended. Which she shouldn't have been. I'm just being honest. Just because we're friends doesn't mean I'm going to sugar coat it to make you feel special. Umm... No.
Well anyway as you can already see, we're pretty much polar oppposites with her pretty much set in her ways and me wanting to venture out. But we still stuck together. To be honest I was getting kind of fed up but stayed in this friendship until I could at least find more friends. Don't get me wrong it's not like I wanted to kick her completely to the curb it was more like the front lawn if you know what I mean... Not my main friend but someone I could hang with every once in a while. Leave the ties unsevered. Sure doesn't seem like that now...
Lately we've been seeing less of each other, mostly because I've been under the weather and not in the mood to leave my room. She hasn't even texted or called me! And usually after a few days of the silent treatment she would ask if I'm "okay." That didnt happen. It wasn't until this past weekend that we've really even seen each other. We pass and I ask if she wants to come with me somewhere but she says she's about to go eat with a couple people. Hmmm... So she wasn't going to even text and ask if I wanted to come?
That's one thing that was becoming a recurring issue. Carolyn knows that I personally hate being alone if its unneccessary and avoidable. Like eating. I will NOT sit and eat alone. So we would usually go eat together but lately more and more she would go eat without me! I mean yeah you can be hungry and want something to eat but would it kill you to send a quick text to ask if I'd like to join? She used to... At times I would be hungry and text her asking if she wanted to get something and her response would be "I already ate." UGH!
Well back to my earlier thought, I dropped what I was going to do an went to eat with the group in which she hardly spoke. Was she finally giving me the silent treatment?
For the rest of the weekend we hadn't spoken at all. As I had mentioned earlier, I was under the weather, which I doubt she even knew! Which kind of bugged me as well. Well I call her to see if another friend of ours was still going to the football game. His phone is shut off and he's always with her. He said "maybe" which I knew all too well meant no. Even more annoyed I decide to go to the game alone. Ugh it was so awkward to stand alone and have no one to talk to or cheer with. Carolyn also doesn't like football either. Which I can understand beacause I'm not that big of a fan either but it's fun to be in that high energy atmosphere. It's not that hard to follow, simply cheer when the crowd does or boo/ awwhh. Hell you can watch and clearly tell what's happening. And what else do you have better to do??? Cause I know she would just sit in her room. But whatever, it's her choice.
Haven't talked since then if you really even consider that talking. Today I pass her multiple times and we barely even look at each other! She goes on about her business as do I. She only texted me asking me to return her universal laptop mouse! WOW... And apparently she had sent our guy friend (previously mentioned) to my room to pick it up but I wasn't here. So when I get back I immediately take it down to her room and return it without a word.
I was talking about what happened to my roommate and she told me it was for the best. I honestly don' t know what happened on her behalf beacause you already know how I feel. And since she was brought up in conversation, I thought I check Facebook to see if she may had said something. Come to find out, SHE UNFRIENDED ME!!! I was in complete shock. I didn't think it would come to that. Not saying that Facebook detemines whether things are official or not but for her to newly create her profile about 3 weeks ago and have approximately 35 friends with me no longer one of them all of a sudden, what does that say?
It was when I found this out that I laughed in shock, paced the room a bit, and took a shower to cool down. I then decided to blog my frustration. And I know for sure that this post is long but what's done is done.
And that's just how it is now..
Love,
-Vampcake !
It has come to my attention that a certain someone and I are NOT friends anymore! For the sake of this person, which is very generous on me, I will not be using their real name but indeed a fake one. So here goes...
I met "Carolyn" in high school. She was always quiet and such but I talked to her because we had class together. Pretty cool person. Yeah I'm not going into all the detail since that is irrelevant. Anyway... we end up going to college together and even better living in the same residence hall only 3 doors away from each other. Talk about a relief. To know that I was coming all this way for school and I wouldn't be entirely alone. Since we've already known each other, we take it amongst ourselves to hang out and stick together. Fine by me.
Everything was okay for the most part except that she was completely shy. Any event that involved dancing, she would just stand on the sidelines and since I don't dance alone I stood right along with her being miserable. But later on I started to slowly branch out, or at least attempt to... Yes she's the one from the previous blog post who didn't like sororities and as I said before, I went alone.
I understood that she wasn't comfortable with some things but c'mon at least TRY! College is the place to find yourself. Try new things. To learn and grow from different experiences! So her flat out refusals kind of pissed me off. She later tried to sell me that "Maybe next time" bull crap of an excuse knowing dang well she was lying. So when I would bring up something to do I would follow it up with a "Why should I ask when you never do anything?" which would make her respond with an "Ooooh wow," like she was offended. Which she shouldn't have been. I'm just being honest. Just because we're friends doesn't mean I'm going to sugar coat it to make you feel special. Umm... No.
Well anyway as you can already see, we're pretty much polar oppposites with her pretty much set in her ways and me wanting to venture out. But we still stuck together. To be honest I was getting kind of fed up but stayed in this friendship until I could at least find more friends. Don't get me wrong it's not like I wanted to kick her completely to the curb it was more like the front lawn if you know what I mean... Not my main friend but someone I could hang with every once in a while. Leave the ties unsevered. Sure doesn't seem like that now...
Lately we've been seeing less of each other, mostly because I've been under the weather and not in the mood to leave my room. She hasn't even texted or called me! And usually after a few days of the silent treatment she would ask if I'm "okay." That didnt happen. It wasn't until this past weekend that we've really even seen each other. We pass and I ask if she wants to come with me somewhere but she says she's about to go eat with a couple people. Hmmm... So she wasn't going to even text and ask if I wanted to come?
That's one thing that was becoming a recurring issue. Carolyn knows that I personally hate being alone if its unneccessary and avoidable. Like eating. I will NOT sit and eat alone. So we would usually go eat together but lately more and more she would go eat without me! I mean yeah you can be hungry and want something to eat but would it kill you to send a quick text to ask if I'd like to join? She used to... At times I would be hungry and text her asking if she wanted to get something and her response would be "I already ate." UGH!
Well back to my earlier thought, I dropped what I was going to do an went to eat with the group in which she hardly spoke. Was she finally giving me the silent treatment?
For the rest of the weekend we hadn't spoken at all. As I had mentioned earlier, I was under the weather, which I doubt she even knew! Which kind of bugged me as well. Well I call her to see if another friend of ours was still going to the football game. His phone is shut off and he's always with her. He said "maybe" which I knew all too well meant no. Even more annoyed I decide to go to the game alone. Ugh it was so awkward to stand alone and have no one to talk to or cheer with. Carolyn also doesn't like football either. Which I can understand beacause I'm not that big of a fan either but it's fun to be in that high energy atmosphere. It's not that hard to follow, simply cheer when the crowd does or boo/ awwhh. Hell you can watch and clearly tell what's happening. And what else do you have better to do??? Cause I know she would just sit in her room. But whatever, it's her choice.
Haven't talked since then if you really even consider that talking. Today I pass her multiple times and we barely even look at each other! She goes on about her business as do I. She only texted me asking me to return her universal laptop mouse! WOW... And apparently she had sent our guy friend (previously mentioned) to my room to pick it up but I wasn't here. So when I get back I immediately take it down to her room and return it without a word.
I was talking about what happened to my roommate and she told me it was for the best. I honestly don' t know what happened on her behalf beacause you already know how I feel. And since she was brought up in conversation, I thought I check Facebook to see if she may had said something. Come to find out, SHE UNFRIENDED ME!!! I was in complete shock. I didn't think it would come to that. Not saying that Facebook detemines whether things are official or not but for her to newly create her profile about 3 weeks ago and have approximately 35 friends with me no longer one of them all of a sudden, what does that say?
It was when I found this out that I laughed in shock, paced the room a bit, and took a shower to cool down. I then decided to blog my frustration. And I know for sure that this post is long but what's done is done.
And that's just how it is now..
Love,
-Vampcake !
Monday, October 24, 2011
Is Making Friends Supposed To Be This Hard? Part 1
I would like to think of myself as a cool person. I'm nice, funny, and caring. I don't judge anyone (at least not harshly) and I always have an open mind. I give pretty good advice if I do say so myself and everyone knows that they can come to me with anything. If they don't, well now they do. You can be a stranger or a childhood friend and I will still be here to listen and support you.
I have no stinking clue as to why it's hard for me to make friends up here in college but it truely is difficult. I don't know where to turn. Now don't think it's ALL my fault and that I'm just to shy to put myself out there, which is somewhat true. But I really have given it the ol' college try and went to the events around campus.
Going Greek-
Yeah, Greek life. My silly little dream. I've always wanted to be in a sorority! At my high school there was a sorority called SANS. I rushed and put my all into getting in. Let me tell you, it was definitely an awkward experience for me. Let us reminisce...
The end of junior year I rush for this SANS sorority in hopes of being accepted and expanding my small circle of close friends. I go to the meeting where all of us "rushers" are placed in a very small room and are told to be silent or we will automatically be out. We fill out a paper of basic info and wait. One by one we leave the room. When it was my turn, I was lead to the basement. The girl who guided me told me that when I am called to enter I must pretend I'm on fire! Ummm.. OK? So being me I thought I should go all out for this little show and decided to roll down the stairs screaming at the top of my lungs "HELP ME TOM CRUISE!!!"
If you ask me I personally think I knocked it out the park they all laughed with tears in their eyes. Afterward I realize that i'm being stared down by every member as they all sit in front on me. They asked questions which made me nervous and told me to sing and dance as I exited. Back at home I was to wait the next day for them to come to my house and dump all sorts of crap on me. Chocolate syrup, ketchup, mayo, pickle juice and god knows what else. So anyway I wait... and wait... and WAIT! No one came. Beaking my heart from thinking that I wasn't funny enough and that they didn't like me.
Later seeing who did make it told me that it was a popularity thing. I guess I understood...
But in college where greek life is like the cornerstone of a college experience I was hoping that my results would be better. I wanted a "friend" of mine to rush with me but "Sororities are not my thing, I don't like them," she said. Okay... whatever I'll rush alone. And that's just what I did. I went around to all 7 houses and spoke to all the girls and got to know them a bit. They were'nt at all what I thought they were. Seeing as to how I was enjoying my expereience, I was REALLY hoping to get in. I PRAYED!!! And later that week I recieved a call saying I didn't get in, but I could try in the spring. And that's what I plan to do. By golly gosh I'm going to get in!
This post is getting a bit lengthy, part 2 coming soon!
Love,
-Vampcake !
P.S. If this info about SANS is supposed to stay secret, oh well the cat's out of the bag!
I have no stinking clue as to why it's hard for me to make friends up here in college but it truely is difficult. I don't know where to turn. Now don't think it's ALL my fault and that I'm just to shy to put myself out there, which is somewhat true. But I really have given it the ol' college try and went to the events around campus.
Going Greek-
Yeah, Greek life. My silly little dream. I've always wanted to be in a sorority! At my high school there was a sorority called SANS. I rushed and put my all into getting in. Let me tell you, it was definitely an awkward experience for me. Let us reminisce...
The end of junior year I rush for this SANS sorority in hopes of being accepted and expanding my small circle of close friends. I go to the meeting where all of us "rushers" are placed in a very small room and are told to be silent or we will automatically be out. We fill out a paper of basic info and wait. One by one we leave the room. When it was my turn, I was lead to the basement. The girl who guided me told me that when I am called to enter I must pretend I'm on fire! Ummm.. OK? So being me I thought I should go all out for this little show and decided to roll down the stairs screaming at the top of my lungs "HELP ME TOM CRUISE!!!"
If you ask me I personally think I knocked it out the park they all laughed with tears in their eyes. Afterward I realize that i'm being stared down by every member as they all sit in front on me. They asked questions which made me nervous and told me to sing and dance as I exited. Back at home I was to wait the next day for them to come to my house and dump all sorts of crap on me. Chocolate syrup, ketchup, mayo, pickle juice and god knows what else. So anyway I wait... and wait... and WAIT! No one came. Beaking my heart from thinking that I wasn't funny enough and that they didn't like me.
Later seeing who did make it told me that it was a popularity thing. I guess I understood...
But in college where greek life is like the cornerstone of a college experience I was hoping that my results would be better. I wanted a "friend" of mine to rush with me but "Sororities are not my thing, I don't like them," she said. Okay... whatever I'll rush alone. And that's just what I did. I went around to all 7 houses and spoke to all the girls and got to know them a bit. They were'nt at all what I thought they were. Seeing as to how I was enjoying my expereience, I was REALLY hoping to get in. I PRAYED!!! And later that week I recieved a call saying I didn't get in, but I could try in the spring. And that's what I plan to do. By golly gosh I'm going to get in!
This post is getting a bit lengthy, part 2 coming soon!
Love,
-Vampcake !
P.S. If this info about SANS is supposed to stay secret, oh well the cat's out of the bag!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
A Midnight Poem
I was sittin outside looking up at the moon when I wrote this poem:) Enjoy!
A restless night,
where the air is lukewarm,
And the golden brown leaves rustle down the street.
Thick, puffy, honey colored clouds roam the midnight sky, to reveal a luminous full moon, as it shines down upon me, fillin me with tranquility and peace.
Those same clouds now form a wall that resembles a midnight horizion in its own. Displaying how radiant the moon can truely be when it's in the dark realm of the night.
The wind blows against my skin, like caressing hands.
Dainty stars from up above, twinkle with self-assurance. They look like children of the moon that are filled with lovely magic. How I wish I could be up there, where all my dreams could come true...
Love,
-Vampcake !
A restless night,
where the air is lukewarm,
And the golden brown leaves rustle down the street.
Thick, puffy, honey colored clouds roam the midnight sky, to reveal a luminous full moon, as it shines down upon me, fillin me with tranquility and peace.
Those same clouds now form a wall that resembles a midnight horizion in its own. Displaying how radiant the moon can truely be when it's in the dark realm of the night.
The wind blows against my skin, like caressing hands.
Dainty stars from up above, twinkle with self-assurance. They look like children of the moon that are filled with lovely magic. How I wish I could be up there, where all my dreams could come true...
Love,
-Vampcake !
Stupid English Assignment -__-
So, as you may already know, being a freshman in college is tough work. Going to class (on time...), doing your work, studying, getting enough sleep, yada yada yada. Anyway, I only have trouble with some of these things. Like doing your work for instance. I totally just skipped out on this last major paper assignment. Why? Because it was total BS! Writing a 4 page paper about writing in your field of study is pointless. I really could care less. And I know you're probably thinking that wow I must be a lazy bum and that its not that bad an assignment, that you've had worse I'm sure. And that may well be.
First off, I'm an undecided freshman. So could I just write 4 pages worth of crap? I wish! So the professor told me to write about a potential major. Umm... okay? Spanish. Yup, I would like to study spanish. Now on to step 2.
Second, how can I really write about writing in spanish? The goal was to apparently find out how colleagues write amongst themselves. For example, in the medical field, things are written in the form of a lab report. In a business profession, business letters/ memos. So for spanish professions, spanish...? Yeah, now you know what I mean.
Thirdly, not like I didn't already have trouble with step 2, I had to interview. And not friends or family. Not even randomn strangers but professionals in the field we wish to study. WTF?! Does it look like I know any professional spanish people? Wow that doesn't even sound right... but anyway to make matters worse, they couldn't all have the same occupation! So looking up my high school teachers was OUT!
Since it seemd like EVERYTHING about this assingment was against me, I simply chose not to do it. I had no clue where to even start to bs it! It was a complete waste of time and I'm taking a huge hit for not doing it. So now I get to worry about passing the course this semester. WHOO! Gotta love it:)
Love,
-Vampcake!
First off, I'm an undecided freshman. So could I just write 4 pages worth of crap? I wish! So the professor told me to write about a potential major. Umm... okay? Spanish. Yup, I would like to study spanish. Now on to step 2.
Second, how can I really write about writing in spanish? The goal was to apparently find out how colleagues write amongst themselves. For example, in the medical field, things are written in the form of a lab report. In a business profession, business letters/ memos. So for spanish professions, spanish...? Yeah, now you know what I mean.
Thirdly, not like I didn't already have trouble with step 2, I had to interview. And not friends or family. Not even randomn strangers but professionals in the field we wish to study. WTF?! Does it look like I know any professional spanish people? Wow that doesn't even sound right... but anyway to make matters worse, they couldn't all have the same occupation! So looking up my high school teachers was OUT!
Since it seemd like EVERYTHING about this assingment was against me, I simply chose not to do it. I had no clue where to even start to bs it! It was a complete waste of time and I'm taking a huge hit for not doing it. So now I get to worry about passing the course this semester. WHOO! Gotta love it:)
Love,
-Vampcake!
Am i Too Nice?
I'm pretty sure people take advantage of me. I realize it's happening and I won't say anything. For instance, when I'm working with someone I always end up doing all the work and they still get the credit. I "study" with this guy and... (i know what you're thinking! It's definitely NOT like that. At all.) he ends up just copying what I find. Or photocopying my notes. Um... i don't think that's how you're supposed to study. You know, 50/50 work? Totally not happening. I've let him borrow a test which he still has not given back, copy whatever he needs, and given him my study guide for the midterm. And I don't want to say anything because I barely know him. He's more of an accquaintance than a friend and I'd like for him to actually be my friend. I'm 3 hours away from home and all my friends are sporadically placed all over the freaking state! I don't really have any here so anything with potential, I'm willing to accept. So I don't want to call him out on it.
My roommate is pretty dang noisy and it's driving me crazy! She's always playing music or watching something when she could use earbuds. But that doesn't seem to cross her mind. This room is never quit if she's here. I get woken up everyday from her noise. She's awlays on the phone and it's so loud that I can hear the person on the other end clear as a bell (is that the right expression?). She even eats loudly. I get so excited when she leaves for work, you have no clue. But yet again I don't want to say anything because it'll make me sound like a b*tch. *Sighs*
Am i Too nice? Would you do the same thing?
Love,
-Vampcake!
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